命あるかぎり戦え。たとえどんなに孤独でも。
Inochi arukagiri tatakae. Tatoe donnani kodoku demo.


Swift as wind, silent as forest, fierce as fire, firm as mountain.

Fresh.

Posted: Monday, February 1, 2016 by Syed M. in
0

Assalamualaikum.

It's almost 3 years since the last time this blog was updated. Now it is 2016. A new year. A new page. A new side. A fresh start.

Why a 'fresh' start?


I graduated on 2014. 'Graduated'. Heh, that is just a title. That's nothing special, a feeling I had back then. I'm not a excellent graduate, just a 'suam-suam kuku' one. I felt remorseful. Despairs and fears clouded my feeling and judgment. Pressure I had from family, peers and others made me feel defeated. I am losing this battle, I once said to myself. The battle of living. The battle of surviving.

Sometimes, I needed to carve the smile on my face when people started asking those simple, yet hurtful, questions related to me. Being a oversea graduate cut the wound deeper. People's expectation was surprisingly high. The intensifying stress made me distance myself from people I know. The people I mostly want to be near with. But I can't, while the fear keep enveloping my confidence.

As months past by, slowly I am picking up pebbles of experiences along the road. Sometimes it is grainy, sometimes it has smooth surface, sometimes it cut more than my fingers. That slow-paced phase of my life is quite tiring, but the projection of the loved ones into my mind reminds me to wake up from every fall I took. Along the way, I found myself a handful of friends and colleagues that I can rely on and ask, if there would be anything outside of my expertise happen.

Then, as when everything going smooth, yet rocky, it just took a bump to turn everything against me, emotionally and mentally. Exhausted, I pulled out. A brief sigh of relief cushioned the pain. But, the pace for me is going even slower.

Time to wear the smiling face again. I tried many things to comfort myself from the anxiety of unforeseen future. It helped, but for how long before a terrible mishap would happen?

Only then I realized I need help. I should look up. Up. Might be before this I am not sincere enough. Might be something is lacking from my consciousness. Might be I turned slightly away from the Almighty. It struck me hard. Real hard. He is the only answer and solution to all given questions. All.

Despite of my ignorance and foolishness, yet He opens up another door for me. It is a blessing in disguise of a test. I was too afraid to take the chance, feared for another fall. But He pushes me, through my loved ones. I gave it a thought, then I jumped into His solution, to take back the wheel of my life. It is time to carefully put the mask away, and be myself.

Now, I am barely reached a twelfth of new page I have. I want to start fresh.
To put aside those pride and victorious moments neatly on my right, in case I need them for momentum.
To put aside those thorns, wounds, failures, and unwanted memories safely behind me, in case I need to look back for revising my learned lessons.
To put closely those loves of my life in front of me for motivation.
Never again to waste another chance. Never again to push myself to the verge of failure. Never take anything for granted. Learn and love. Respect and redeem. Be grateful and be vigilant.

"My life is burning bright!" - Takeru Tenkuji (Kamen Rider Ghost)


-well, some things don't wash out-

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